I found a really cool DID survey on Many of us‘s blog via Bourbon. I find this survey intriguing, because it asks questions that are rarely asked and could be very useful in doing internal work. Maybe putting it all out there in a survey on a blog is a little too much information, but at the same time, I have gained a lot by reading others’ responses. It’s really long, so it’ll have to be filled out in parts. Read what you want to and leave out all the rest! 🙂
Because some of these questions are so “part-specific”, we’ll be writing from the perspective of “Randi”, who is the primary “Payton” these days (31yo female). We could probably take the time to answer the questions from different parts’ perspectives, but that would be really, really long.
So here goes DID Survey Part 1: Randi
What is a typical outfit you wear inside?
I used to see myself as kind of a “camp counselor” inside. Usually I’m most comfortable with a t-shirt and jeans. Even when I’m hosting the body, its what I most often wear on the outside.
Who inside do you trust with your concerns, secrets, and feelings?
My “best friends” on the inside have been Alayna, Rachael, Aariel, and Kade. I’m not in touch with Alayna and Rachael at the moment, but Aariel has an awesome awareness of what’s going on with the systems internally, and Kade is a great protector.
Where do you go inside when you want to have some space or be alone?
I think I’ve always had some kind of a bedroom. Lately, when I go inside, I’m just “not forward” – kind of unconscious I guess. During the several years I spent inside, I stayed in my own bedroom. I guess I could have made it really elaborate, but it was kind of dorm-like in appearance.
If you could change one thing about your inside appearance what would it be?
I don’t think I would change anything. Rachael is the girly one. I think she would prefer me to be more “lady-like”.
Do you have any children/adopted children or special littles you look after?
After a pretty devastating event in 2008, I went inside and stayed for about three years. During that time, I helped take care of the really young parts – preverbal, mostly. I enjoyed it, but I most enjoyed being away from “reality”.
Are you involved in any internal relationships?
Just friendships. We’re a family, for sure.
In your system can/do insiders get married, have families, work at jobs, shop at stores?
We try to keep things pretty informal inside, because most of the formality in our system was introduced by our abuser. No marriages or anything, but some parts do stay together in family-type groups.
Do you have any insiders whom are non-human, but whom count as insiders (they hold information or memories valuable to the system)?
We have had some dog or wolf-type parts, as well as parts who see themselves as phantoms or ghost-like entities. Usually, though, the non-human parts are just living out of a trauma and show themselves for the kids they are when we process the memories.
What is the weather like inside?? Do you have weather? Do you ever go “outside, inside?”
Usually, the “outside, inside” is just sunny and mild. We do have dark areas, forests, and areas that are covered in fog, but it doesn’t rain or anything.
Do you have more than one system of insiders within the body?
Yes. Many, many systems.
What is your relation to the other insiders?
Traditionally, I have been a “front-runner” or a part that hosts the body. Lately, parts have been trying to tell me that I am “core”. Not the core but a core-ish part.
If you could bring, out into the body, one characteristic of your appearance what would it be?
Perfectly straight teeth? 🙂
When you are not out, do you have a life and activities inside or are you “asleep” or without awareness either inside or out?
Lately (as in the past year) I’m just “asleep”.
Do you have a room inside? What is it like?
Who is one person you don’t get along well with inside?
I don’t get along well with abusive parts. I usually don’t get along well with pushy protectors.
What do you think would improve things between you and that person?
With abusive parts, we just need to have strong boundaries and safety mechanisms in place. With the pushy protectors, usually I just need to get over my own denial mechanisms and fears.
Do others inside know your triggers?
I think so? Since I am an “Alpha”, most of my information is common knowledge, including my triggers.
Do you and your insiders have specialized tasks when coming out? (Such as one person who cleans, one who cooks, one who goes to school/work)
Yes, even though we share a lot of responsibilities. I usually take care of the household and bio-kids. Hanna does homework for our classes, Rachael does social and husband (when she’s available), etc.
Who answers the phone / is allowed to answer the phone?
The only ones who aren’t allowed to answer the phone are ones with “littles” voices and those who respond to phone-trigger programming.
Do you curb your language, viewing habits (for tv and movies), or your eating habits due to an awareness of littles being near or present?
Yes, definitely. Sometimes I can get away with watching an inappropriate comedy or something if it’s late at night, but we definitely stay away from horror films or tv shows, or really violent images/things that contain abuse. Eating habits are usually up to whoever is hosting.
What is one item at the grocery store that you find easy enough (or can you think of something) that each insider can have turns picking their favorite flavor, etc.?
I think popsicles and breakfast cereal are our biggest compromises inside.
Do you have rules in regards to who gets time and when and how much time in therapy?
We don’t have rules, per se. But CB (therapist) asks Aariel and Michael (a protector) who needs time and what direction we should move toward. Those two are usually pretty objective about what needs to be done for the betterment of the entire system.
Do you set aside time each day or at certain times of the week or weekend for child insiders to play, make a mess, see a video or have other fun?
No, we don’t have a set schedule, but we have the benefit of young bio-kids, so we can get away with a lot under the guise of “playing with the kids”.
Do you know the most popular children’s shows on tv?
Only because of the bio-kids.
Are you up to date on popular music?
As well as toys and stuffies for the younger insiders is there anything you buy for older kids and teens that is special and specific to them?
We have several stuffed animals we keep close by our bed. Not really up on pop culture or music, but then again, our system is pretty closed up at the moment. Most of the kids/teens are in a trauma-state and not too near the front.
What is one example of an agreed upon ground rule for adult insiders when they have control over the body?
Our number one unbreakable rule is, “No permanent decisions”. This includes life-changing choices like affairs, drugs, drinking, tattoos, etc.
What modes of communication do you use with your inner family?
Usually writing is the best way for us to communicate. Sometimes we’ll have internal meetings where we speak to one another, but depending on how stable the “system” is, that’s not always possible.
Talk about a recent dispute among insiders.
Our most recent disputes have been about whether or not to quit therapy for a little while. We’ve cancelled and blown off a couple of sessions, which is not like us at all. We’ve had to call in some back-up protectors to make sure we get to our appointments.
OK, I have a headache 😉 lol More later!