ouch.

There are bad weeks, and then there are weeks that utterly kick my a$$. It’s the kind of bad that has me questioning every single decision we’ve ever made.

Last Friday, CB let us know that she’d be out of town for yet another week. I was startled at the tailspin this put us into. We’ve never felt so hurt and betrayed by CB. Not because she went out of town, but because she’s basically been putting us off since May, promising to help and then renegotiating over and over and over. We’re usually very patient. Typically, we don’t feel like we deserve help or attention, so entitlement has never been an issue. But we feel like being out of town 5 weeks in 3 months with no notice is a little excessive. If we could have walked away from everything going on inside – if we could have packed it up and dissociated it until a later date, we would have quit therapy until after this baby is born. Unfortunately, we’re in too far to turn back at this point.

On top of the ridiculous internal stress, our bio kids have been a nightmare. They start at their new school on Wednesday, and with all of the transition our family is going through, they are understandably under quite a bit of stress. We want nothing more than to give them grace for the insane bickering and disobedience, but quite honestly, our capacity to deal with fighting, noise, and bad behavior is zero. We are exhausted from the constant correcting, redirecting, and breaking up actual fist fights between kids.

Financially, we are under a crazy pinch. We made these decisions – to buy a house, to have a baby, to put our kids in private school – but we have to figure out a way to pay for it all. Our husband just started a second job this week… in the midst of all of this chaos, so now he’ll be gone four nights a week. This leaves me with kids from breakfast to bedtime day after day after day. I know the kids will be going back to school soon, but this week has been a disaster. Even after the kids are in school, though, we’re still missing our number one support person at night. When the anxiety peaks and we’re struggling, he’s not here to add to a sense of stability inside. Parts feel abandoned – even though we know he’s doing all of this for our family. It’s so hard to just be positive and support his sacrifice when we’re going to sleep alone at night. Especially when things are this tumultuous inside. 

I know that a lot of the stress is coming from what will ultimately be really good things! It makes it all worse to feel like we’re whining and complaining about things that are genuine blessings. The stress though – we’re not handling it well. We can’t medicate because of the pregnancy, and our coping skills are just not quite cutting it. When the panic attacks hit and the temper flares out of control, there is no relief – especially when the kids won’t let up long enough for us to even really take a break and reset. 

Ultimately, I guess we’re just going to have to hang in there and pray that seeing CB again and having the kids in school will alleviate some of this pressure. Otherwise, we’re going to have to seriously reconsider our course of action. It’s not worth having a new house or kids in private school if we’re too suicidal to know what’s going on.

Hanging on by a thread, 

Payton

Venting

Venting: Attachment Issues, betrayal, frustration, hopelessness… Yes. We totally emailed this to our therapist. Bless her patient heart. Yes, we realize we are projecting. No, we can’t stop it right now. Yes, we’re safe. Just achy inside. We got it out, now we’re pushing it down. Yes, we’ll finish the DID survey. Later.

Trigger Warning for language, strong emotional content, probably other things. Please use wisdom in reading. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

For Cheryl:

We refuse to need you. We refuse to admit our need to you and we refuse to feel the need. We refuse to look to you as a mother figure in our lives, because every time we start to trust the one who raised us, she slaps us in the face one more time with her incapacity to admit our need. We refuse to give you that power over us. The other mother took that power before we were old enough to choose. We won’t let you hurt us like that, Cheryl. We won’t let ourselves be disappointed with you the way we always end up disappointed by her. We won’t let ourselves feel the hole that is left inside by the feelings of abandonment triggered by your time away and her stupidity. We won’t miss you, Cheryl. If we miss you, then we admit the need, the hole, the unquenchable yearning for someone somewhere to see and understand and step in. We admit the stupid, petty jealousy and the terror that comes with the idea that maybe we just aren’t that important after all.

She keeps hurting us. Razor wounds to my soul. She doesn’t even know she’s doing it, and that’s part of what cuts so deeply. Even if she can’t grasp the reality of the pain, she refuses to even acknowledge our experience of the pain. Refuses to acknowledge the boundaries that must arise from the pain. Refuses to respect the idea of the pain. She just moves forward like nothing has ever happened… not then, not now, not ever. No one ever hurt you. We didn’t have this conversation. We didn’t have this conversation…. Again. I have no idea why this would be an issue for you. I have no idea why you’re so upset right now. I’m simply baffled.

It’s ok, Mom. I never needed you to understand. I never needed you to believe me or even admit that there was something to admit. I’m just angry with myself for letting myself need you. I’m pissed that we fell for the game one more time. That we thought it might be over one more time. It’s never fucking over.

You didn’t do anything wrong, Cheryl. You’ve never done anything wrong. But you have to know we’re too broken to ever trust you. We’re too hurt to ever let you in, and we hate ourselves for wanting to let you in. We hate ourselves for needing you to be anything other than a really great lady who has helped us a few times. We have to be able to say goodbye. The vacancy is too great for anyone to fill and God stopped being enough a long time ago. He hasn’t lessened the pain enough. Only kept it from driving us insane.

I don’t ever want to fucking see you again. Go away and stay away. Let the old wounds be cauterized and stop picking at the scabs.

panic

I’m having one of those moments of panic. I realized that things really start to spiral when my symptoms interrupt my sleep. When I don’t get enough sleep, I can’t cope with anything. And the past few nights, the nightmares have been relentless. Not all of them have been outright memory-nightmares, but highly emotional and resonate of memories in different ways. It’s day 4 of waking up out of nightmares in the morning, and I’ve about had it. I have no patience, no ability to sort out my priorities or needs, no capacity to deal with added stressors. And I can’t take any anti-anxiety medications for it, because I’m pregnant. Grrr.

This time of year has always been difficult for us. I think we’re combating a lot of fears that M is going to be coming into town, as has been his pattern. Hopefully this year, though, he is in London and won’t be bothered with little old me. I know his plan was to make quite a bit of money trafficking at the Olympics this year. And I’m more than glad not to be there. Anyway, I’m banking on the fact that he has bigger fish to fry (as unfortunate as that is) and won’t have time for us. It doesn’t stop the fear and nightmares, though. We won’t feel better until we feel the risk has passed. I don’t know when that will be.

I also thought we were finally going to be able to avoid the family drama that comes with the brother’s birthday on the 17th. (See last year’s posts for the glory that is my family of origin) Well, long story, but it looks like the brother will be home next week, and we have already committed to a family day with some cousins coming in from out of town. Sigh. I don’t even have the energy to properly complain about how wearing all of that is for me.

I’m just tired, CB (therapist) is going out of town for two weeks starting Saturday (which is also normal for this time of year) and we’re just struggling with all of our real life crap that is only going to accelerate as we move and have this baby.

How to I get off this crazy train? Who’s driving this thing?

Exhausted P.

DID Survey Part 1

I found a really cool DID survey on Many of us‘s blog via Bourbon. I find this survey intriguing, because it asks questions that are rarely asked and could be very useful in doing internal work. Maybe putting it all out there in a survey on a blog is a little too much information, but at the same time, I have gained a lot by reading others’ responses. It’s really long, so it’ll have to be filled out in parts. Read what you want to and leave out all the rest! 🙂

Because some of these questions are so “part-specific”, we’ll be writing from the perspective of “Randi”, who is the primary “Payton” these days (31yo female). We could probably take the time to answer the questions from different parts’ perspectives, but that would be really, really long.

So here goes DID Survey Part 1: Randi

What is a typical outfit you wear inside?


I used to see myself as kind of a “camp counselor” inside. Usually I’m most comfortable with a t-shirt and jeans. Even when I’m hosting the body, its what I most often wear on the outside.

Who inside do you trust with your concerns, secrets, and feelings?


My “best friends” on the inside have been Alayna, Rachael, Aariel, and Kade. I’m not in touch with Alayna and Rachael at the moment, but Aariel has an awesome awareness of what’s going on with the systems internally, and Kade is a great protector.

Where do you go inside when you want to have some space or be alone?


I think I’ve always had some kind of a bedroom. Lately, when I go inside, I’m just “not forward” – kind of unconscious I guess. During the several years I spent inside, I stayed in my own bedroom. I guess I could have made it really elaborate, but it was kind of dorm-like in appearance.

If you could change one thing about your inside appearance what would it be?


I don’t think I would change anything. Rachael is the girly one. I think she would prefer me to be more “lady-like”.

Do you have any children/adopted children or special littles you look after?


After a pretty devastating event in 2008, I went inside and stayed for about three years. During that time, I helped take care of the really young parts – preverbal, mostly. I enjoyed it, but I most enjoyed being away from “reality”.

Are you involved in any internal relationships?


Just friendships. We’re a family, for sure.

In your system can/do insiders get married, have families, work at jobs, shop at stores?


We try to keep things pretty informal inside, because most of the formality in our system was introduced by our abuser. No marriages or anything, but some parts do stay together in family-type groups.

Do you have any insiders whom are non-human, but whom count as insiders (they hold information or memories valuable to the system)?


We have had some dog or wolf-type parts, as well as parts who see themselves as phantoms or ghost-like entities. Usually, though, the non-human parts are just living out of a trauma and show themselves for the kids they are when we process the memories.

What is the weather like inside?? Do you have weather? Do you ever go “outside, inside?”


Usually, the “outside, inside” is just sunny and mild. We do have dark areas, forests, and areas that are covered in fog, but it doesn’t rain or anything.

Do you have more than one system of insiders within the body?


Yes. Many, many systems.

What is your relation to the other insiders?


Traditionally, I have been a “front-runner” or a part that hosts the body. Lately, parts have been trying to tell me that I am “core”. Not the core but a core-ish part.

If you could bring, out into the body, one characteristic of your appearance what would it be?


Perfectly straight teeth? 🙂

When you are not out, do you have a life and activities inside or are you “asleep” or without awareness either inside or out?


Lately (as in the past year) I’m just “asleep”.

Do you have a room inside? What is it like?


See above

Who is one person you don’t get along well with inside?

I don’t get along well with abusive parts. I usually don’t get along well with pushy protectors.

What do you think would improve things between you and that person?


With abusive parts, we just need to have strong boundaries and safety mechanisms in place. With the pushy protectors, usually I just need to get over my own denial mechanisms and fears.

Do others inside know your triggers?


I think so? Since I am an “Alpha”, most of my information is common knowledge, including my triggers.

Do you and your insiders have specialized tasks when coming out? (Such as one person who cleans, one who cooks, one who goes to school/work)


Yes, even though we share a lot of responsibilities. I usually take care of the household and bio-kids. Hanna does homework for our classes, Rachael does social and husband (when she’s available), etc.

Who answers the phone / is allowed to answer the phone?


The only ones who aren’t allowed to answer the phone are ones with “littles” voices and those who respond to phone-trigger programming.

Do you curb your language, viewing habits (for tv and movies), or your eating habits due to an awareness of littles being near or present?


Yes, definitely. Sometimes I can get away with watching an inappropriate comedy or something if it’s late at night, but we definitely stay away from horror films or tv shows, or really violent images/things that contain abuse. Eating habits are usually up to whoever is hosting.

What is one item at the grocery store that you find easy enough (or can you think of something) that each insider can have turns picking their favorite flavor, etc.?


I think popsicles and breakfast cereal are our biggest compromises inside.

Do you have rules in regards to who gets time and when and how much time in therapy?


We don’t have rules, per se. But CB (therapist) asks Aariel and Michael (a protector) who needs time and what direction we should move toward. Those two are usually pretty objective about what needs to be done for the betterment of the entire system.

Do you set aside time each day or at certain times of the week or weekend for child insiders to play, make a mess, see a video or have other fun?


No, we don’t have a set schedule, but we have the benefit of young bio-kids, so we can get away with a lot under the guise of “playing with the kids”.

Do you know the most popular children’s shows on tv?


Only because of the bio-kids.

Are you up to date on popular music?
As well as toys and stuffies for the younger insiders is there anything you buy for older kids and teens that is special and specific to them?


We have several stuffed animals we keep close by our bed. Not really up on pop culture or music, but then again, our system is pretty closed up at the moment. Most of the kids/teens are in a trauma-state and not too near the front.

What is one example of an agreed upon ground rule for adult insiders when they have control over the body?


Our number one unbreakable rule is, “No permanent decisions”. This includes life-changing choices like affairs, drugs, drinking, tattoos, etc.

What modes of communication do you use with your inner family?


Usually writing is the best way for us to communicate. Sometimes we’ll have internal meetings where we speak to one another, but depending on how stable the “system” is, that’s not always possible.

Talk about a recent dispute among insiders.


Our most recent disputes have been about whether or not to quit therapy for a little while. We’ve cancelled and blown off a couple of sessions, which is not like us at all. We’ve had to call in some back-up protectors to make sure we get to our appointments.

 

OK, I have a headache 😉 lol More later!